Thursday, January 22, 2009

After the darkest night..





One day I woke up. Not that waking up after a good night of sleep but the kind of waking up after a trance, with that hang over feeling stuck in your head. I stoped and took a long look at my life. Slowly and carefully I noticed how blessed I had been and how much I had thrown away, as it was mere garbage. All the happiness I was blessed with I had discarded, all the love I had been given I returned with anger. Anger. The word and the meaning of it materialized in my life still haunt me every night as I go to sleep.

In a search for the meaning of so much anger and fear I've realized how my mind and soul were sickened for so long. I dove deeper into myself and analyzed my past mistakes. Relived my life and identified patterns of behavior and realized how much I had been wrong on so many aspects of my life and for how long.

Then, in a search for redemption I went after those I had hurt the most, said I was sorry and asked for help. Help to understand myself and my past errors. Help to become a better human being. And I went after all the help I needed so I could get better, not only physically or mentally but mainly as a man.

Now, as I reconstruct my life and myself, I spend sleepless nights sketching of better times, of times of passion and understanding. Now I use the blessings of the past to give me strength to build a better future which could not happen if I had not fallen. I'm finally happy with myself.
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