Saturday, January 24, 2009

Honesty and Courage

We loose so much in our lives lacking the courage to do all the wild things we wish we had done. We, while trying to be nice, lack the honesty to tell people how we really feel. We use excuses to avoid awkward situations instead of building up the strength to handle it. We try to be more than we really are so someone will find us special or, in most circumstances, not cruel.

For a long while I had forgotten how it feels to be really honest and to have the guts to say everything I had to say. To be faithful to my feelings and my values while interacting with other people. For a long while I was afraid of never being good enough and it made me a coward in a sense that I had not the guts to surrender to the urges of my heart. For a long while I was politically correct, and I hated it because there is nothing as hurtful as noticing someone is saying something just to be nice, not meaning it.

Regret. The result of lack of honesty and courage is mostly regret. Regret we had not the balls to say what needed to be said, when it was need. Regret we did not do what our heart and soul shouted was the right thing to do. Regret that we did not mean what we said.

Regret we were not true to ourselves.

The important thing about self-discovery is that after all the frustration of understanding that you were not the person you thought you were. That you messed up and that it is time to accept that fact. To be honest to yourself about your limitations and your screw ups. Honesty and the courage to tell all those things that are not easy to say and even harder to listen.

After the nightmare I found in myself the courage to be honest to myself and to the others. Always.

BTW. The drawing above is a from a picture that I've tried to draw about a dozen times during the last year and a half. I finally got it right.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

After the darkest night..

One day I woke up. Not that waking up after a good night of sleep but the kind of waking up after a trance, with that hang over feeling stuck in your head. I stoped and took a long look at my life. Slowly and carefully I noticed how blessed I had been and how much I had thrown away, as it was mere garbage. All the happiness I was blessed with I had discarded, all the love I had been given I returned with anger. Anger. The word and the meaning of it materialized in my life still haunt me every night as I go to sleep.

In a search for the meaning of so much anger and fear I've realized how my mind and soul were sickened for so long. I dove deeper into myself and analyzed my past mistakes. Relived my life and identified patterns of behavior and realized how much I had been wrong on so many aspects of my life and for how long.

Then, in a search for redemption I went after those I had hurt the most, said I was sorry and asked for help. Help to understand myself and my past errors. Help to become a better human being. And I went after all the help I needed so I could get better, not only physically or mentally but mainly as a man.

Now, as I reconstruct my life and myself, I spend sleepless nights sketching of better times, of times of passion and understanding. Now I use the blessings of the past to give me strength to build a better future which could not happen if I had not fallen. I'm finally happy with myself.

Monday, January 19, 2009


This was one of the first pictures I've tried to draw but never got it right. I was sure I had thrown this sketch away but I've found it today while searching for paper to draw.


This is a really powerfull image for me and is also an old unfinished comission to someone really special and who made me understand the meaning of the word happiness. The drawing is just another sketch I made trying to figure out the shapes on the picture since the photo I used for reference is of an awfuly low resolution and the lighting is quite problematic.

Since I promissed to post anything that is finished, even if the end result is not the least satisfatory, I'm posting this one.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The one I drove away

Why do we keep hurting the ones we love the most?

I've promissed myself that from now on I'll mantain a certain consitency with the Free Technologies ideologies and practives: I'll release earlier and more often. And I'll not hold myself in case the end result is not that good. As Thomas Watson said "If you want to succeed, double your failure rate".

She is the one that inspired me to try drawing again and, ironicly, is the one I posted the least. I was affraid of not being capable to capture her beauty. I'm not afraid anymore as I have nothing to loose. I just liked the picture and resisted for a few days before I decided to draw it. Unfortunatly the inking is really irregular with really bad line definition and almost no volume definition besides the shapes themselves. Another time this one would go to the trash can but now I'm just posting it as I would do any other sketch.

Old monoprints

As I was cleaning up the apartment last month I found some old monoprints I did way back during my college days.

Since I'm not have anything new to post here for a while I decided to publish some of them.